Broken and Bleeding (Hiei Oneshot)
by TimeLady S0nya
Summary: A simple Oneshot I just HAD to write. Painful memories are kept at bay, who will help you see the shadow of depression you desperately try to hide from? -Rated M for self-harm content.-


_My mother, father, brother and sister, all lost in the fire that destroyed our home. In a single night, I found myself utterly alone in the world. No family lived nearby to take me in, I lost my job due to the fact I couldn't go to work anymore, the bastards didn't even care my entire family died in one night. The only people I had to turn to were my friends, and even then it didn't last long. I struggled to find a job in this dreary town we lived in, only to end up being pushed out and moving on to the next house I could get to._

_In the end, it was Tobi who took me in, nursed my depression and made me feel wanted in the world again. Even still... I still feel this dark cloud crowding in on my soul, I don't think I could ever shake it, no sun's ray could pierce the shadow that hangs over me, no flame could warm the ice surrounding my heart. I smile for her sake, to make her happy, but I know... I know she sees the emptiness in my eyes, but she won't say anything, nothing at all. Because that's Tobi, she sees someone sad, she smiles and continues on in hopes her happiness will rub off on them. But it barely touches me anymore._

_So alone... I'm cold, why won't anything warm me up anymore?_

* * *

"Waa! Look at all of this Manga, Niki! It's amazing!" Tobi shouted from across the street, making me glance over and see her leaning over a window, hands and face pressed against the glass. I could almost see a tail wagging in the air behind her from the excitement she showed. "Really, Tobi, get your face off the glass! Do you realize they'll have to wash it again now?" I called, already walking over to join her at the window with an irritated expression on my face.

My psychologist suggested getting out of the country for a while, go away for a bit, get some air, soak in a new culture. Little did I know, she didn't mean Hawaii or the Caribbean, no, she had to send us all the blasted way around the world to Japan. Not that I minded, I had really always wanted to come here, but to stay for a year! I was used to my comfortable life at home in America, but really, I couldn't imagine what we could do for a whole year. We'd have to find jobs, a place to stay other than a hotel. My holiday pay and back pay from the last job I had was already dwindling after a few weeks.

_It would help if Tobi would stop buying so many sweets! _I scowled at her as she walked back over, I didn't even see her leave the window at all. My eyes immediately went to her hand where she held a box of Poky, one of her favorite Japanese candies, one of them already sticking from her mouth when she stopped in front of me with a confused expression. "Wha?"

"Tobi, you do realize, we only have enough yen for another week at the motel, right?" I managed to ask, forcing a small smile on my face to hide the fact I happened to be angry enough to thump her on the head. "OH! Really! I thought we had plenty of money!" She protested, already digging the wallet from the small pocket on her outfit. _Had being the operative word... _I thought sullenly, watching as she pulled the pocket open and saw she only had a few bills left. "What! NO way did we spend that much!"

"We? Why are you saying we?" My voice rose in volume, eyes narrowed in anger as I pointed out the bags dangling from her arms and crowded around her feet on the ground. "You've been shopping all day! All I got was a coffee this morning! I haven't even eaten lunch yet and you have maybe enough to get one Manga!" With a huff, I folded my arms and turned around, completely ignoring the odd looks we were getting from the passing people around us. "Really, Tobi. You're horrible with money, its really a wonder you survived this long!"

"Niki..." Her voice broke slightly, making me look over my shoulder in slight surprise. Her head turned away as she held out a small box to me. "I just... I'm sorry, I've been really a big burden on you this whole time. I just always wanted to come here too you know? And when you asked if I'd come with you, I thought maybe we could have fun. I didn't mean to... I'm sorry..." My shoulders slumped slightly as I reached out and took the box, pulling the lid up to look inside and smile at the small necklace nestled into the tissue paper. "Ah, you aren't a burden. I'm really... I'm glad you came with me, Tobi. I probably wouldn't have been able to do this on my own." I finally said softly, closing the lid and tucking the box away in a pocket of my coat so I could pat her on the head, carefully avoiding the kitten ears poking up out of her hair.

"Come on, let's go back to the motel. I'm tired, you need to put that stuff somewhere before it gets stolen and honestly, I gotta search for a job in the newspaper." I huffed out, turning away from her and beginning to walk down the street. "Okay!" Tobi chirped from behind me, causing me to roll my eyes and stifle a grin as she trotted along beside me, bags swinging from side to side as she chattered happily.

* * *

_I suppose it all started a year after their deaths. I couldn't cry anymore, but I had so much anger and sadness bottled up inside of me, I didn't even realize what I had done until my arm hurt and the red stained the bathroom floor under me. The cuts were perfect, spaced apart just the right distance, deep enough to bleed for a while, but not so deep they would end up killing me. The perfect amount of pain and punishment for continuing to live while my family lay in their graves. _

_Tobi found me an hour later, curled up in a ball on the floor, clothes ruined, hair a mess and at least a dozen cuts all up the inside of my left forearm. The razor clutched in my other hand being the evidence she needed to get me help. For five months after that, I went in and out of mental hospitals, trying any technique to make my brain to stop telling me that the pain was good, the pain was what I deserved. Nothing ever worked. In the end, Tobi lied, saying I had stopped and gotten better. She just couldn't bear to see me in another one of those places, sitting on my bed and staring out the window without a single emotion anymore. _

_I never got better. The razor was my only friend, it's the only one that understands._

* * *

"I still can't believe you can read Japanese, Niki. How on earth did you learn to read it so quickly?" Tobi piped up from where she lay on her bed, Manga held up in the air above her as she lay on her back. "Hm? Oh, I find the written word is much easier to learn than the spoken one, so many different ways to pronounce something when you say it, but writing, there are things you can see that make a word different, so you can learn to differentiate between two look-alikes and know what one means what." I mumbled from where I sat at the desk, chin cupped in my hands as I poured over a newspaper, searching for someone announcing they were hiring. "Oh look! Waitress, over at the... Oh, never mind, that's a bar."

With a groan, I leaned back in the chair, pulling my glasses off and rubbing at my eyes in frustration. "Really! How hard can it be to get a damn job around here!" I yelled suddenly, legs kicking out from the sudden outburst, sending the chair tipping backwards and me along with it onto the floor. "Ow..." Before I could get up, Tobi joined me on the floor, having rolled off her bed from laughing too hard. "Oh! That... Oh! That's just like in Anime! You looked so... Bwaaaa!" Clutching her stomach, she rolled on the ground, her laughter pealing through the air.

Watching her, a small smile curled my lips upward. It always felt good to see her laugh and smile. I caused her so many problems, I hated to see a frown on the face of someone that put aside everything to help me. Reaching over, I grabbed a pillow from my bed and whacked her in the face with it. "Oi! Stop laughing at my pain, you!" She lept up with a war cry and pounced on me, trying to wrestle the pillow away from my grip as she did. "Ah! You want a fight! I'll give you the pillow fight of a lifetime, you won't forget this one no matter how long you live!" She crowed in delight, trying to pin me down as she did.

"You have no idea how creepy that sounds! Get off of me!" I snap, trying to unsuccessfully buck her off as she struggled with the pillow. "Yes I do, why the hell else do you think I said it!" She taunted, her tongue sticking out as she peered from around the item we fought over, making me laugh for the first time that day. "Ah! See! You can laugh!" She said in mock surprise, pointing a finger at me as if to blame the laughter coming from me for whatever it was she thought about. Really, I never know with that girl at all.

* * *

_Really, the pain inside just won't come out, no matter how much or how deep the cuts are anymore... Before, they helped, they made me know I was still there, here on earth where I didn't belong. Even the razor stayed silent now while he cut pretty red lines on my skin. Before, he used to whisper, call me a failure, weak and a fool, even now he stays silent. I suppose that means I'm healing, no longer hearing that snide voice in my head as I carved away the pain._

_The red of my blood swirling down the bathtub drain doesn't even give me a relaxing feeling anymore. I cannot wash away the bad blood inside of me, I cannot wash away the failure that clung so deep inside of my very being, it became part of my soul. I see it in the faces of others now, wherever I walk. Failure, you are a failure. Not much better than voices, but at least I can close my eyes and pretend they aren't there. I can still see their faces in my dreams, before the fire burned them away that is. One last thing to haunt me until I give in and join them just like they want._

_But I'm so weak, so weak I cannot do it. Instead I atone for the sins I have committed by offering my blood. Even that isn't enough anymore. They won't wait forever, and when the time comes where I finally do join them, they won't be there, waiting for me, and I'll just be alone again._

_No matter what I do, it just isn't enough anymore._

* * *

Months have passed by now, three I think, and still Tobi and I are in Japan. Steady jobs, a place of our own, we were beginning to settle into life here. Easy enough, that is if you don't count the odd attacks going on around the city of Tokyo. People turning up missing, then being found a week later, sliced to ribbons and no evidence whatsoever to explain who did it. Even now Tobi is her cheerful self, proclaiming it was normal for big cities to have problems like this, but it still doesn't erase the strange feeling of loss I had begun to experience.

"Hey, Niki, I'm gonna run to the corner store for some stuff. You need anything?" I glance over at Tobi, a slight frown on my face as I thought. "Yeah, get me a pack of smokes, would you? I'll pay you back when you get here." She made a face at me while opening the door to our apartment. "Blech, I don't see why you bother with those nasty things. You're only going to shorten your lifespan you know." Rolling my eyes, I tossed a balled up piece of paper I had been doodling on as a response just as she walked out. "Yeah, yeah, I'll be back in a few minutes. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."

Feeling a slight pang in my chest, I watched her back as it vanished from behind the door, leaving me alone in the apartment. It was her casual way of pointing out she knew what I did while she was gone. Her way of saying, 'It hurts me too, you know.' But I just couldn't help it, not anymore, it was as natural as breathing anymore. With a heavy sigh, I lean back on the couch and flip on the television, determined to immerse myself in some mindless show, block out the world for a while to erase the look on her face I saw a split second before the door shut behind her.

Pulling my knees up in front of me, I wrapped my arms around them, staring blankly at the tv as it flashed bright colors and vague figures moved. "I guess I'm just not a good person after all, huh, Tobi?" With a low sigh, I bury my face behind my legs, simply letting myself let go, everything I keep bottled away and locked up while she was around coming out in the form of short panicked pants, my heart beating furiously to try and keep up with my irregular breathing before I couldn't take much more.

Jumping to my feet, I walked to the bathroom and gathered the small box I kept tucked away under the sink then returned to the living room where I began to set everything up. A towel across my legs, a bottle of peroxide, bandage wrap and a small razor that glinted coldly in the light. Picking up the small, sharp thing, I laid my left arm on the towel, deciding where to start then lowering the blade and making a clean slice directly in the center, right above one of the many scars that marred my skin. The sweet bite taking my breath away before continuing.

When I finally finish, more than twelve cuts littered my arm, the towel already turning a deep red as it soaked up each drop that rolled down my skin. Breath hitching in my chest, I pick up the bottle of peroxide to pour over the carefully arranged cuts, hissing out softly once it began to sting and bubble. Reaching over, I cut off a length of the bandage wrap to wipe up the excess, cleaning my arm carefully before reaching for the roll again, winding it around my entire forearm until the red no longer seeped through and taped it in place.

Getting to my feet again, I clean the blade, toss the towel in a sink full of cold water then return the box back to it's spot under the sink. It's a ritual now, she knew, she knew I did it. I think that's why she leaves... She gives me the time to get it over with so she doesn't have to be around to see me when I do. But now I was done, my heart still feeling sick, I returned to the couch and laid down, watching the flickering lights coming from the tv in front of me until I finally fall asleep.

* * *

_I know this feeling, this sweet burning sensation on my flesh. The fire that devoured my family now has returned for me. Slowly wrapping around my body and searing my skin, turning it black the way it should have so long ago. Please, please let me have this. I plead silently, eyes remaining closed as the fire sweeps over me, engulfing me, putting me to rest once again._

_Then, as soon as it came, it was gone, leaving behind the cold feeling of betrayal as it filled the empty part of my soul. No! No! I need this! I deserve this! Please! Scalding tears burn my cheeks as they fall from overflowing eyes. Crying, I never cry anymore, only in my dreams. And only in my dreams can I ever seek what I truly desire. But now... A punishment I suppose, I cannot search for the fire that burns me. Melt my heart, make me feel pain again. Make me cry out, make me FEEL!_

* * *

With a start, I jerk awake, eyes wide open as I stare uncomprehendingly at the face near my feet. A man's... With long red hair. His eyes were closed, he was sleeping. Where was I? Where have I gone? Reaching out hesitantly, I gently shake him awake, nearly startled as his green eyes opened immediately, simply studying my face as he straighten back up into a sitting position. "Ah... Yes, um... Frankly, where the hell am I?" I blurted out finally, unable to stand the silence that threatened to crush me. This is heavy, those eyes, they know something, what are you hiding?

"American, is your name Niki by chance?" He finally voiced, his accent still distinctly Japanese, but speaking perfect English all the same. "Uh... Yes. Who the hell are you? Where is Tobi, and for that matter, yet again, where the hell am I?" I snap, already reaching the end of my very short patience as I glared around the room. A chest for clothes, a small desk and chair, the bed I lay on and a single door. All wood paneling. So I wasn't in a hospital, too... Rustic, then again, I was on the opposite side of the planet, how the hell should I know they keep their hospitals?

"Niki... There's.. Something you should know." His words stopped my heart, from the tone, I already knew, but I didn't want to hear it, I refuse to let this happen to me again. "Your friend-"

"No." My voice cut him off, making the man look at me, startled, his green eyes widening slightly from the look on my face. Turning away from him, I glance out the window beside me, registering a small forest not too far from the building I was in. "Excuse me?" He asked politely, a hand reaching out to rest on mine to gain my attention again. Without bothering to look over, I shook my head. "No, I don't want to hear it. Don't tell me anything else."

He stayed silent, his hand slipping from mine as he stood. "As you wish. When you feel well enough, please join us in the room next door. There are things that need to be discussed." The chill in his voice hardly touched me, the shell I kept close to my chest keeping me safe from the frigid air that filled the room after he left. Keeping my gaze on the trees, I simply sat there, staring out at the woods, and making stories in my head to keep myself away from the truth once again.

* * *

_The marks on my arm will never atone for the sins I have committed, this I know, but it is all I can do. Death... I do not deserve death, nor does he desire me, a wasted person, a shell of who I once was. The faint, flickering light that had been my guiding star is gone, extinguished in a matter of minutes. Alone, I was alone once more, in an unfamiliar land with an unfamiliar culture. No one knew the pain I kept locked inside the ice of my heart. _

_I cannot shatter, for the ice is too thick now. The candle that burned, now gone, can no longer melt it to a manageable state. All I feel is the coldness now, this ice is killing me, freezing me from the inside out, and I no longer care. All I have now, is the box with my friend, he no longer speaks to me, but he knows, he knows my pain, he helps me with it now and again. I long for his sharp caress even as I sit here. I long for the sweet bite that comes from his embrace. When, when will I learn that ice cannot melt with the heat of blood?_

_All it does is make it cold again._

* * *

"Ah, so you decided to join us after all. Take a seat Miss. Niki." The red-head stated simply, a smile on his face that didn't reach his eyes, his hand waving at the only empty seat in the room. Four others were there, three boys, and an old lady that eyed me like a bug she longed to crush under her foot. Without looking at any of them, I stride over and plop down in the wooden chair. Of course I happened to be in the center of the room, facing the semi-circle of people. One sits away from the others, his hair reaching up into a point that defied the laws of physics.

"Niki, these two are Kuwabara and Yuske. They don't know English, so you really don't need to talk to them-"

"I know Japanese you know." I suddenly stated, turning to look at Red with a small frown on my face. Of course, I was American, it was natural to suspect they didn't know the native tongue, but really, months of living here forced me to learn it without realizing until the last second. "Oh... Well, I apologize. I didn't realize..." He murmured, the look on his face softening a bit, the frost there melting away into a real smile. Turning to the two he mentioned, I nodded my head in greeting, waiting for something to happen before Red continued with the introductions in Japanese. "The woman is Genkai, she owns the temple we are in right now."

"Woah, wait, she knows Japanese!" The boy in green exclaimed suddenly, absolute surprise written across his face as he turned to look at me, a finger coming up to scratch at the side of his face as he leaned forward in his seat. "You really are something. To survive an attack like that then this! Really, American girls have to be strong!" He suddenly grinned at me brightly, I could see the force put behind it and let out a low, irritated sigh. "Don't bother to smile, I know you don't want to, and even if you did, it won't change anything. So stop pretending for the sake of a stranger." I snapped, watching his eyebrows fly up at the response. I wasn't sure if it was from my words or from the fact I spoke in fluent Japanese.

"Ah, well..." He trailed off, looking away with a somber expression on his face. "I just thought you know, considering your fri-" I raised a hand, cutting him off as I snapped my eyes shut tightly. "I don't want to hear it. Don't say it." A hand suddenly rested on my shoulder, making me look up and see the red-head standing beside me, a slight frown on his face as he looked at the boy. "Yuske, I already told you. She wasn't attacked." His voice had an undertone to it, warning the other one off as he turned his attention back to me. "Niki, it's important that we talk-"

"NO!" Jumping up, I ignored the clatter of the chair behind me as it fell to the ground. "I already told you! I don't want to hear it!" With that, I bolted from the room, running away from the faces, the eyes, the accusing glances in my direction. Why wouldn't they just understand! Let me live this lie! Bursting through the front doors, I stopped on the porch, breathing harshly as I fell to my knees, staring at the wood in front of me, screaming in my head to cry, force the tears, get it over with, but nothing came. Not a single drop or damp feeling stung.

* * *

_Floating, I float along this life of mine, never staying in one place longer than I have to. Even back home... I couldn't stay in one place. I don't like memories, so I run from them, I refuse to make any, but here I am, crowded with memories of Tobi, her laughter, her grin, her stupid way of trotting along beside me like a puppy. I hated it, the memories, they cause my frozen heart to bury itself deeper. I don't want to see her face, I don't want to see her every time I close my eyes. I didn't need to be told what happened, I guess I already knew what would happen when she left. I knew it deep down, I would lose the one thing I had left to this life._

_And now, once again, I find myself alone, set adrift in this vast world of people who are all interconnected. Everyone has at least one person to turn to, but not me. My one person is dead, severing me from the rest and leaving me to flounder in this open water. I'm going down, under the waves, and I hope I never see the light of day again._

_Why... Why must I be so alone?_

* * *

"Niki, want to come with us? We're going to the arcade!" Yuske's voice floated to my room, making me glance up from the book in front of me in irritation. "No, go by yourself, Yuske. I'm not your mother!" I heard Kuwabara's familiar laugh rumbling before a sharp thunk followed it, silencing him effectively. "Shut up! Come on, let's go!" The door opened and closed, leaving nothing but silence behind. Finally, alone for the first time in nearly four months. Yuske's mother let me stay with them until I could get back on my feet. And now that I've returned to the apartment I shared with Tobi, Kurama insisted someone stay with me for 'protection.'

Yuske volunteered, claiming it to be the perfect time to get out from his mother's hair. I knew better, they all knew what the bandages on my arm were from. Not the demon that attacked Tobi or the other people, but by my own hand, and they wanted to prevent that. But they didn't know about the box I now kept under my bed, hidden away from any prying eyes. I guess they think it's out of my system now, I won't need to. Well, I could prove them wrong easily. Pushing my chair over to the door, I peered out in the hallway before shutting it tightly and clicking the lock.

Within minutes I'm kneeling beside my bed, everything laid out in front of me and watching as my first cut welled up with red blood only to spill onto the towel under my arm. "What do you think you're doing." A statement, not a question, making my head jerk up and look at my now-open window, occupied by a familiar fire apparition with red eyes that narrowed dangerously when they looked at my arm and hand with razor. "Ah! Hiei, no, It's just..."

"You're weak." His voice cut me off, making my heart stop as I looked up at his cold face. "You are pathetic. Harming yourself, cutting your skin and letting yourself bleed by your own hand. A sure sign of weakness." Stepping down from the window, he stalked over to me, snatching away the razor and breaking it in half with a simple twist of his fingers. "Ah! I need that!" I shouted, jumping to my feet and reaching for the pieces on the floor, ignoring the fact the blood now ran down my arm and dripped onto the floor.

Before my fingers could brush against the metal, a pair of hands grabbed my shoulders, slamming me up against the wall. "If you want to die, then why don't I do it for you? I have the proper equipment for that, or would you rather do it yourself slowly?" Hiei hissed dangerously, his breath washing over my face and making me cringe away from his expression. I never wanted him to see me like this, at my weakest. Weeks ago I had realized that without knowing it, I had unwittingly befriended him. Both of us not being the type to talk, we ended up spending afternoons in the trees around Genkai's temple, simply enjoying the peace that surrounded us.

"Hi... Hiei." I choke out, staring down into his red eyes as the flash of his Katana shone in the light from my window. "Please..."

"Shut up. You are pathetic, worthless, weak and useless to me. I don't even see why Kurama bothers with you. All you do is go behind our backs to do this. Why do you think the stupid ones are always around? He told them to be here so this wouldn't happen. But the first time they trust you to be alone, you go and do this anyway. I don't even see why I've even wasted my time with you honestly, I should have seen long ago that this would happen." A steely glint shone in his eyes as he raised the blade, showing me the deadly edge almost teasingly.

* * *

_The words others speak hardly ever touch me. But why, word from you, who hardly ever speak, do they cut me so deep. Why do your hands burn my skin when you hold me so harshly? I swear, your words are cracking my heart, making me feel, I thought I wanted this, but the look in your eyes, it hurts me. Your eyes, they burn, your hands, they melt my skin. I don't want this fire to touch my heart. Because I fear if it does, you'll shatter the ice that protects me from the pain inside._

_Don't burn me up, I can't take it. This isn't the flame I want, this won't kill me, it will only destroy all that I've done to protect myself. Your burning fire is so hot, it burns away the shadows, it makes me see what I've done to myself. Go away, go away, I don't want to see this. _

_I refuse any mirror that won't show me what I want to see._

* * *

Closing my eyes tightly, I wait for him to finish what he started only to feel a slight brush of air beside my ear followed by a solid thunk in the wall beside me. Blinking them open, I stare in surprise at Hiei, his hand still gripping the hilt of his katana that now happened to be buried a third of the way through the wall. "Hi... Hiei?"

"Why, Niki." I jerk slightly, staring at him as I fumble for an answer to what he asked. "Why what?"

"Why won't you ever listen." He looked up at me, his breathing harsh as he pushed himself away and began pacing the room, refusing to even see me as I trembled against the wall. "I... I don't know what your talking about." I managed to force through numb lips while watching him furiously pace back and forth. "You know exactly what I mean!" He shouted suddenly, his eyes glaring at me for a moment before he resumed walking. "Tobi is-"

"I don't want to hear it!"

"She's-"

"NO!"

"TOBI IS DEAD!" He said sharply, spinning around to face me from where he stood in the middle of the room. "She is dead, your family is dead! Everyone you know is gone! Say it!" Striding over, he gripped my shoulders again, shaking me slightly as he pushed my back against the wall once more, cornering me. "Say it!" Shaking my head, I closed my eyes, trying to get away from him and his words, trying to escape into my own world of words and stories only to have a hand grip my chin firmly and hold my head still. "Say it, Niki."

"I won't, I don't want to!" I gasp out, trying to pull away, but hes so strong, he wouldn't ever let me get away. Cornered against the wall. His temper certainly outshone mine, making me feel weaker than ever. "I don't want to say it! Let me go!" Silence met with my cry, making one of my eyes crack open and stare down at Hiei's face. Complete lock-down, no emotion, nothing flickered in his eyes or expressions, absolutely blank. "I could never love someone so weak they cannot admit to their faults and pains." He said suddenly, his voice dripping with venom as he dropped his hand away from me and stepped back.

"Hiei!" Reaching out, I tried to grab his shoulder only to clutch air instead as he vanished out the window and out of sight once more. Dropping to my knees, I stared down at the floor, completely at a loss at what happened. All in the course of half an hour, I lost everything again, only now...

Now it hurt me.

* * *

_This flame, burning hotter than the rest, melts my heart as I sit here in silence. I never noticed, how much he melted the ice, I never saw the layers dropping away into a large puddle that built up over time. Just his silence had been enough to slowly let me feel again. Why couldn't I protect myself anymore? Where was my shell? Where was my ice? _

_Melted away, into a puddle of tears that still won't come._

* * *

"Hey, we're back!" A familiar voice shouted from the hallway, making me look up from the book with a blank expression. I had long since cleaned up the box and bandaged my arm, along with cleaning the floor and changing my shirt so no one would notice under the long sleeves. "Ah, welcome back." I called in return before looking back at the book. I wasn't reading, I couldn't, the words were only a blur to me as I thought to myself. I couldn't keep doing this, trying to hide away from them. They're bound to break me and I couldn't let that happen. I needed to leave, my time in Japan was nearly up anyway, only three more months to go really...

Then back to the states, back to living alone without anyone to talk to. Let me build up the shields that broke apart while with these four. I never noticed until now, but while with them, their smiles, their laughter and teasing, and slowly eroded what protection I had against anyone else from getting under my skin. With a low sigh, I got up and sat on the edge of my bed, staring down at my feet for a moment before getting up and walking from my room. It was time to tell them, they at least had a right to know.

Stepping into the kitchen, I blinked at the sight before me. All four boys were crowded in front of the refrigerator, well, I say four, but in truth it was Yuske and Kuwabara crowding while Kurama looked over their shoulders and Hiei glared at me from the wall he leaned against nearby. "What... What on earth are you guys doing?" I finally asked curiously, despite myself, I walked over to see what it was. "Ah! Ah well... Um... Oh, it's no use hiding it, you already know it's going to be in here." Yuske grumbled, turning around as he did to show me the cake he had held in his hands with the words 'Happy Birthday Niki' printed in a scrolling script over the top.

"We heard it was your birthday, so... We wanted to celebrate." Kurama explained lightly, casting a gentle smile in my direction as he pointed to the cake idly. "It was really Kuwabara's and Yuske's idea to get the cake, I hope you don't mind..." Blinking at them, I felt my heart stop, so eager and excited. So happy to simply present me with this cake...

Before I knew it, my face was feeling hot, my eyes burning slightly as I rubbed at them in confusion only to have my hands come away wet. "What..." I whisper softly, dropping to the ground, back against the doorway and knees drawn up as I rubbed furiously at my face, trying to get the water off only to make it worse. "Niki! Why are you crying?" Yuske asked nervously, placing the cake aside and rushing over to knees next to me along with the other two. "I... I don't... I'm happy. I'm sad, and and..." I babbled, my tears coming harder and making it difficult to talk.

"She's dead... Tobi's dead. She won't be here for my birthday..." I finally manage to gasp out, sobbing into my knees as several hands pat at my hands, my leg and hair. "I... I'm so alone! My family is gone, Tobi is gone! I'm stuck here with no one else around me!" I cry out through my sobs, eyes refusing to open as I rubbed furiously, glasses tossed aside on the floor while my face remained soaked with the saltwater coming from me.

"And that... Is someone that can be loved." Hiei's voice cut through the quiet murmurs of the others making them fall silent and look over at him in mild surprise. Really, they suspected something, but with the Fire apparition, they were never sure. Walking over, he bent down and placed a hand on my head, making me look up with swollen eyes. "Hi... Hiei!" Flinging my arms around him, I sobbed into his shirt, letting out everything I had bottled up for so many years, finally allowing the cold feelings inside to come out for the first time in a long time.

* * *

_This fire, it burns me, but it's a good burn. It's a burn that reminds me I am alive, it tells me my heart can feel again because the ice is gone. Melted away and cried through my eyes the day the dam burst. I always thought I needed to have some ray of light from the sun to clear these clouds over me, this... Darkness in my soul. But in reality, I needed this fire, burning so brightly inside of me, that it chases the darkness away. Pushes it back so I know it can no longer bother me anymore. _

_This fire alone has healed me of the cold, he cracked the ice inside of who I was and let the true me emerge. The strength I have is from what he gives me, with this flame, I can do anything. And as long as I can, I will hold it to my chest, to keep the ice at bay, so I will never become unfeeling again. The pain of emotion is a small price to pay to have passion this powerful to keep you alive._

_Hiei, my burning light, guide me from this darkness inside my soul, and bring me into the fires of life once more._

**-End-**


End file.
